So you're getting divorced . That's fantastic! Here's what you can do .

Everyone has there reasons and there's always two sides to every story so I get it now let's move on. Ok time to loose some weight or tone some flab. Misery has a different look for everyone . If you don't feel like eating and you're looking to shed a few pounds then your on then right track! Don't have time to go to the gym ya say well no problem then it's time to watch those 5 minute ab videos we where all obsessed with in the early 2000s. Guess what there all on YouTube ! Time to get to work! All right now to get that smell of moth balls off ya. Look we all know that getting married for the sex is the same as buying a 747 for the peanuts . So now that the cats out of the bag let’s get that thing of yours back in action. Time to practice a few rounds then get back in the ring . First let’s trim it up. Go find those clippers and that 2 guard and give Chewbacca a much needed day at the spa. Aahhh feels good don’t it! Sometimes a good bush wacking is just what the Dr, ordered . Now let’s fire it up. Oh yeah and floss your teeth . Like really get in there . Treat yourself like you would your car if you’re trying to sell it . WARNING ! DONT DO SOMETHING STUPID WITH YOUR HAIR ! Nothing says I’m going through a divorce then an angled bob with highlights and lowlights so be careful . A little color refresh and get rid of the dead stuff and call it a day . Don't go shopping for new clothes and for fuck sake don't throw a divorce party . Make yourself presentable and go to the most expensive restaurant in your area and sit at the bar on a Thursday around 3:30 pm and wait . Order a drink and light appetizer it's time to go hunting . Anyone drinking around this time around your age range is one of two things . 1) hunting or 2) has enough money to not be at work . Steak places are breeding grounds for adult conversations and actions. Just sit there , read a book you intellectual you and even if you feel out of your element remember your hunting . The first person to ask you what your reading have sex with them . Fuck it if there slightly attractive or smell good take your genitals on a test drive . This might take a while . Even a few different early dinner happy hours . When the topic of marital status comes up let them know you're going through a divorce . For karma sake make sure there not married . Unless there super hot. And only do this far far from home.

So you might be saying to yourself seriously just floss , bushwhack and be a slut? Yes. As long as you do it in that order . Get the smell of untouchable off of you sooner then later . Once you get some you'll have a different energy . People will look at you and think "there's something different about you ." Yup and there right a few days ago you where getting pounded in the parking lot of a PF Changs. Like a f’n champion .

Once you have the smell of active shooter your on auto pilot . Think of the people you know that you think are hot . The people you see at church , grocery store or at the pool during the summer . Just say hi and see if a conversation strikes. At this point you've lost the 20 pounds and your flab isn't as flabby. You wreak of sex and your a f’n animal . Eventually the right one comes along and we do it all over again with the hopeless romantic view that this time it will be different . News flash it doesn't get better you just know what to expect . This time around be yourself from day 1. It's just easier and you'll be glad you did . Fellas if you're not planning on opening that car door every time for the rest of your life don't do it in the first three months . And ladies if you don't normally say god bless you when someone sneezes don't just suddenly start. Be yourself it's how you were intended to be . And in case of emergency read this over from the beginning and try again . Now go get it !